wordpress is so five minutes ago
June 17, 2009, 1:47 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m moving to tumblr, cause that shit is dope.


Edmund’s Revolutionary Smileys
September 8, 2008, 1:25 am
Filed under: Race

peep game:

:F drooling
8F seeing a hot girl/rapist face
:Q smoking a cigarette/cool ass toothpick in yo mouth
:A hella sideways smile/chatty
:B two tongues sticking out
8B ultimate rapist face
<:U hella scared
:H lion face

I’m gonna go get a veggie dog
April 27, 2009, 4:08 pm
Filed under: Thoughts

But before I do that:

How the fuck do things change so drastically in the course of a few weeks? I’m taken aback by it. One thing ends, another chapter begins. It’s kinda fantastic. However, my academic performance has been suffering IMMENSELY; I need to find some sort of balance. Right now. So difficult.

I’ve never been this happy/scared in my life. You always envision these picture-perfect scenarios that you don’t think will ever happen anywhere other than on the silver screen, and then somehow it kinda happens. How do you react? I don’t know. And we’re both dealing with it in the exact same way. Everything is so unreal right now, and though I don’t know what this means, I like it. It all sounds so corny and cliched, and I’m neither corny nor cliched. But that’s what it is, seriously. More dessert, please.

I’m too much of a pussy to say something like this to you in person (partially cause we haven’t talked in a while and were never even that close to begin with), but who knows. If you don’t end up reading this and realizing that this is for you, then it’s whatever. I’ll see you soon anyway.

You are a beautiful person. I still don’t know you as well as I’ve always wanted to–always–but despite this, I can already tell that you’re without a doubt one of the most beautiful people I know. And I don’t say these things because of what’s going on in your life right now–or the fact that it could end your life. I’ve always viewed you in this way, and I want you to know that it couldn’t have made me sadder that you would be the one who would have to come to terms with this. I’m very perceptive about people. There are certain people in my life that I know will be the ones who make life more enjoyable to live. And it’s not like all of these people are close friends of mine; sometimes you just know who you want to be in your life. I’m not sure if this makes much sense. But you have always been one of those people. I know you don’t want pity comments or offerings of help that you don’t need. I’m not here to do that to you. I just wanna say this: I want you to live. So badly. That probably sounds a little weird, I know, but hopefully you know where I’m coming from.

Just know that while you’re out there fighting this thing, you are on my mind and I’m always hopeful that I’ll be able to see you again in the future.

April 8, 2009, 3:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

You said WHAT?

About ME?




I certainly am.

I need to leave this place
April 3, 2009, 9:30 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I think we’re all just so different.

April 1, 2009, 2:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I feel a thought vomit coming. I wrote a similar post earlier but I decided it was way too personal to make public. So here are the less personal thoughts.

I’m supposed to be writing a paper that’s already late, but in the past hour I’ve probably written about 4 sentences. I’m feeling strange. I feel like I’m at a weird place in my life right now (maybe I always feel like this?). I realize that in the past year, I’ve changed a lot of things about myself, and there are lots of reasons to be optimistic because of that. The past four sentences began with the letter I. And yet, there’s this lingering feeling of discontent whenever I’m by myself, and it sucks. When I really take a look at myself, I see so many things that I’m happy about. This sounds strange, I know, but what I mean is this: I think we all strive to be better people, in whatever ways we are flawed, and in that sense, I like how far I’ve come. I consider myself a late bloomer of sorts (not physically, assholes) and many aspects of my person have changed in the past few years.

Yet, so many outside factors have remained stagnant, and it’s like no matter how hard I try to change those things, no matter how close I come, eventually my life will revert back to the way it was before. It’s as if God is toying with me, telling me that my ability to control my own life is limited. Yes, I still believe in a god. And it’s not even like I don’t try, but it’s like certain things will always remain the same, unless some drastic life change occurs. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so eager to move out of the house. Cause no matter how far along I come as a person, I need to be in new places, see new faces. I love all ya’ll, but I’ve learned that I can’t depend on the familiar to keep me satisfied–not all the time, that is. Consider my circumstances though. I live with my parents, I attend a community college in which most people are just trying to get the hell out, and my social circles are not set in stone. These are not good things. At least, not to me. And sometimes I feel like I simultaneously made the right and wrong choice to come back to the city (not that I would have wanted to stay at wack ass Calvin, but still).

Someone close to me said that I think too much. Perhaps this is true, but I see it differently. I think the reason why I’ve only been able to make real connections with so few people is because I’m able to see so many things in life in ways that many people I know cannot. And when I say “real,” I mean feeling like I’m constantly on the same page as someone. This rarely happens, because so few people I know verbally express their observations of all the nuances and dynamics of things in life, whether it be relationships, reasons for someone’s behavior, etc. in the same way I do. Even amongst my closest friends, I can only count a few people who are on the same wavelength as me. So I know that I’m not thinking about things too much, because when I talk with these people, it’s like a massive sigh of relief because we both thought no one else sees the things that are so apparent to us. Does that make sense? I don’t know. If this all sounds elitist to you, it really isn’t like that. I just observe and analyze things very well. And you can imagine how much I notice about myself. Sometimes it causes me to be very self-absorbed, and things I don’t like about myself or my life will really bother me. This trickles down to other parts of my life: romance, friendships, family, work, etc. I notice so many things about people that it’s sometimes hard for me to be optimistic about anyone.

And yet I find myself overly optimistic about things I don’t expect or want myself to be. Like love. I don’t like talking about love very much, mostly because I’m so much more mindful these days to see romance in a more realistic light. I’ve come to the point where I feel like I’ve really learned from past experiences, and the applications work. Let me put it this way: I know what I’m doing, most of the time. But deep down there will always be a part of me that just wants to be in love, and sometimes that side of me is exposed way too easily. I ultimately want to be in love–and just look at what that does to us. We give ourselves away too easily, and set ourselves up for disappointment. Shit is wack. This is when I know I’m not that strong. And I hate it.

Perhaps it’s God again.


shampoo and other thoughts
March 25, 2009, 12:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

We had two unlabeled bottles in our shower. One of them shampoo, one conditioner. Apparently, my dad has been using the shampoo as body wash this whole time.

It’s been getting easier pretending that something doesn’t exist. It’s just hard to realize that now I’m the only one who cares. I think I need to reevaluate what I’m doing, even if it’s hard.

This isn’t me. Or at least it shouldn’t be me anymore.

None of this is on me, yet everything controls me.

Been working out more, feels pretty good.

Eh, I actually don’t have much to say.


March 19, 2009, 3:25 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

wanna say everything now, off the top of the dome but

can’t decide what to let out my mouth

so i let the smoke do the talking

you see, if i could explain myself without sounding like this or that

i would

but fuck